In one of my old blog posts, I mentioned about depressing conversations about my cancer and treatment when passing by the National University Hospital (NUH). I can say that my family and I haven't touched on the subject for a long time, in part due to the fact that I'd gone overseas for the last 4 years. Still, I'd like to talk about it rather than push it aside like I've always done in the past.

I still find the topic depressing and sometimes it does make me feel bad, but I shouldn't feel bad about it. Just like in the previous post, my having cancer wasn't the result of intention. However, it still makes me question, "What did God put me here on earth for?"

I don't have the answer but I must continue searching. With all the recent things about my amnesiac/epileptic condition and all, I feel somewhat guilty for making people worry about me, again. I tend to think that's all I've done, bring worry and grief to those around me, but surely I've affected some positive thing before. We all tend to remember the bad points of everything, and that's exactly what I've been doing. I shouldn't feel bad about those NUH days, but just concentrate on doing my best to serve God and those around me. (That sounds quite preachy, but it's true!)

So the next time we pass by that building or when the conversation springs up, it shall be a reminder of what I have to do.

I was pretty angry with my family recently. The plan was to eat lunch, get our passports renewed, then return home and leave at 5pm to meet my friend after his work at 6pm. No problem, right?

So we went out in the morning at 1150am and finished lunch by 1pm, went to the passport place where my mum, sister and I took a new photo and applied for the renewal. It was crowded but we got it done by 230pm. Except for my dad, who had lost his identity card (IC) somewhere along the trip. So after backtracking and trying to look for it for a while, we accepted that it's lost for good and apply for a lost IC report and renewal, which is a longer crowd for some reason. By the time we were done and reached home, it was 530pm, which would make me pretty late. My dad offered to drive me to the nearest train station so I got there somewhat on time still.

I began getting quite annoyed with my family halfway through the trip. They were taking their time, and my dad, of all the days, had to lose his IC that day. I mean, he had only brought it out today and what were the chances? I didn't express my anger to them and only expressed it later on to my friend during dinner, when I remembered my psychologist telling me that I should be building a support network of close persons to talk my feelings to.

My friend said I shouldn't be angry with them, as it wasn't their intention to make me late. He said something to the likes of "Did you ask for your amnesia? No, right? So likewise, you shouldn't be angry with your dad since he never meant to do that, even if it was the worst day to lose an IC."

He's right, I shouldn't be angry. I should be thankful that I still met my friend on time and that nothing worse happened during the trip.

In other news, a neurologist strongly felt that my amnesia resulted from having epilepsy and recommended me that I shouldn't drive. I think I'm still in disbelief about his diagnosis, especially after 2 EEGs and an MRI having shown nothing. Still, I wouldn't know about my own diagnosis since I'm not an expert. I don't feel that sad for some reason, but I think the news is affecting me in some way still.

On remembering…and forgetting

I'd just remembered some things. For one, that part of the reason for my lack of motivation to blog was influenced by the rise of "microblogging" from "Web 2.0" sites like Twitter. It just makes me feel like the activity is outdated and meaningless. I've seen long form blogs but they usually talk about more interesting topics than a person's own life. I'd still blog anyway as I have my own purposes of keeping a journal.

Another thing I've remembered is the worrying fact that I've experienced some episodes of amnesia. Maintaining this blog is something that I've been doing from a psychologist's advice. She says that talking about my feelings can help in keeping myself grounded to the real world, so that I don't get stressed out and lapse into another episode or something like that.

So far I can still tell I've got my mind stuck on certain stressful things. Like for example, the last two dreams I can recall are of school. The first was about discussing with a "lecturer" whether to use a capital Q or small q to represent flow rate for the exam (Dream answer: lecturer doesn't know. Actual answer: it depends.) That "lecturer" wasn't even a real person I've seen before. The other dream involved seeing 2 lecturers that I know personally, but we were in a construction site of which I had never seen before.

Keeping a blog at least helps me think about things, remember things. I think it will help.

Hello, again

It's been a long time. Five years?

I've thought about the blog a few times since but never had the motivation to post anything. I did go overseas to Sydney to study, but if you came here to read, you probably already knew that. It's been an interesting ride so far and it's definitely changed me a lot. There's many new things I've seen and learned along the way.

But anyway what brings me back to this blog was from my appointment with a psychologist. She felt that I was not in touch with how I feel, and that some form of journaling, such as keeping a blog might help in a therapeutic way.

So right now I'm feeling a little bit down for no reason so I won't be writing for long. It's the school holidays now so I'm on one of my Singapore home visits and occupying my free time with learning, mostly on how to program. I find that a rather satisfying thing to do that has practical usefulness.

I'll try to keep posting more when I can!