Last week was quite a busy one, especially with Chinese New Year. It was just like a usual Sunday family gathering, with a few extra people, and with an earlier starting time. I can't say that it was especially special, but it's still good to talk with some of the uncles, aunties and cousins (and collecting ang pao haha) before going back to Sydney.

I'll be going back really soon, sooner than I'd like. I'm starting to feel the time getting lesser, less time to do things before I have to go back. But I'm taking things one at a time, not trying to think of everything at once and getting overwhelmed. Mindfulness!

Speaking of mindfulness, I hadn't seen my counsellor in a while, it's not that I dislike seeing her, but that I've been bothered by CNY and my previous episode and forgot about her. A professional is helpful to cut to the point and make you see things you never considered, so that's pretty useful. I did see her recently though, she suggested that I try taking up some kind of hobby that involves social interaction when I'm back in Australia, anything new or unfamiliar helps. And I'd have to force myself out of my comfort zone to talk with someone. I could see her point, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Meanwhile, the medication that the neurologist changed to hasn't been giving me troublesome side effects. Thank God.

Something that comes to mind recently whenever I think of the blog, I spend long amounts of time drafting out these posts, longer than I want. I find that I get stuck often, and when I write, I find it rubbish (I probably even find this section sub-optimal). I get into this cyclical process of writing and going back on what I write. Guess this is what they call "writer's block". Lately I was serendipitously reminded of how to get out of this. It came from a bit of an unexpected source, a book about making music, read by someone who wasn't even reading to me. It said of getting an idea by playing around with your instrument, but recording everything. Every slip, every stumble, every mistake—but also every gem in the rough. With enough toying around, something will come out somewhere, then you can clean up the gems, remove the dirt, because it is easier to remove what is there than what is not. It brought back distant memories of a time I helped my cousin David by composing a minute-long MIDI piece he needed for an assignment. I came home, doodled for 3 hours without looking back, and was done, just like that. It remains an experience I still remember fondly, one of the few times I got into the ever-elusive State of Flow. I miss composition because of that, but music listening and appreciation is a good enough fix for me.

So with that being said, this must've been the 3rd draft or so. Enjoy all of its flaws!

For about 10 days, 17–27 January thereabouts, I was pretty much knocked out again, sleeping most of the time, feeling exhausted, and only remembering scattered bits and pieces. I think this time it's related to the epilepsy medicine I was taking. A few days before I was told to increase my dosage since I was still far from the effective dosage. Either way, I had an appointment recently with the neurologist who prescribed the medicine and he figured my body just wasn't good with the medicine, so we're trying an older kind of medicine with lesser side-effects instead (reportedly only slight nausea, unless I'm allergic to it). He seems pretty certain I have epilepsy or at least something physiological, and I remain skeptical, although it's hard say cos other doctors have stated that he is good.

I also informed my oncologist (a "cancer doctor") and he is curious about my case. There were no such records of a link between my childhood leukaemia and epilepsy so he doesn't believe that my cancer is linked to this somehow.

But enough about that, my birthday was last Sunday! It wasn't too eventful, just mostly well-wishes and food. Not that I'm bummed out about that but I guess I feel too old for gifts? Perhaps food is enough to sate me now. Daniel Tee took me out for a dinner at Ippudo, not a bad Japanese restaurant. Here's a picture for you (I didn't get take a picture of everything as the rest of the items took too long to come):

Wow, a picture on this blog? That's rare.

One of the helpful things the psychologist told me before was that I couldn't seem to ground myself to just one task. My mind would be thinking about too many things at once and I'd be inefficient and stressed, and the stress builds and I go down a downward spiral. While there can be creative benefits when you detaching yourself from a single idea, you don't want to go so far detached from the real world.

Enter Mindfulness. The idea is to observe your surroundings, thoughts, feelings without judging, and without clinging onto any one of them. It is to train your ability to pay attention to things and let go as required. Then you can put your all into whatever you need to do, focus on what works for the situation, think ahead, and plan for the future.

It isn't the first time I've been told this though, I had read scattered bits of such advice online before, and asked Eddie about how to be efficient. He's mentioned about creating specific, quantifiable goals and thinking of the next step that accomplishes said goals. Not wishy-washy, unquantifiable "I'm gonna do this" goals, but measurable "I'll do X by meeting this target, Y by meeting that target" goals.

There's days when I can do that, days when I don't do that for some reason, and there's days when I do that and everything all crashes. Still, the key point is to practice my focus and attention on one thing at a time, and it's my hope that practicing every aspect of mindfulness helps the higher level aspects of thinking ahead and future planning that I desire to achieve. But man, mindfulness can be hard! (At least for me.)

The psychologist does acknowledge that I know a bit more information about psychology than others, mainly through reading up and learning from others as mentioned previously. However, she does point out observations about myself I've not made before, and possible connections between the theory, and who I have become. She said it isn't a bad thing that I know a bit about psychology though, since it helps one learn about oneself better. Previously I thought there wouldn't be any point to seeing a psychologist if the main problem was epilepsy, but…perhaps this is a separate problem that is worth solving, regardless of epilepsy.

2016

It's once again the start of another new year. But before I get out the usual new years wishes and plans, let me be a bit of a downer and get out the concerning things first, things that happened towards the close of the year. 

Basically a few days ago, I was knocked out from Sunday night to Wednesday evening. "Knocked out" as in I have no recollection of events during that period. Apparently there were periods when I was "acting normally" according to my family, and there were random, disconnected moments I remember here and there that are hard to figure out if it really happened or not.

On Wednesday, 3 concerned people came to visit the home, first Aunty Sally, then Eddie, then Uncle Stephen. My mum came with the first visitor and they apparently found me sleeping on the floor of my room. This fact kinda creeps me out, since it's a familiar scenario that had happened to me before back in Sydney. I woke up rather quickly though, and I don't think I suffered from any amnesia like I did in that aforementioned scenario. 

All 5 of us (3 guests, my mum, and I) later had a good gathering around, chatting in the living room. Later on in the evening the rest of my family came back, there was dinner with everyone (minus the uncle and aunt as they had to go off somewhere else), and everything seemed back to normal. But there were feelings constantly bothering me.

I started to feel somewhat sad and worried, that I'd lose things slowly with this whatever "condition" I have, beginning with friends, then familial relationships, then my time and eventually, myself. No doubt, I am grateful I have people who still are concerned, and I understand completely that I cannot be blamed for what I cannot control, but people can't always be around. Losing these things makes me afraid.

Currently the epilepsy medication that I am taking is to blame for my drowsiness. I saw my GP on Tuesday (interestingly, I have slight recollections of it) and he recommended to take half a pill instead of a full pill I've been taking. At the same time, he prescribed me some vitamin supplements to give me energy.

And now, a new year, new beginnings. It is just another daily 24-hour cycle, but I do hope it symbolises a refresh button on my life. I hope to get better and finish my studies, but most importantly, whatever happens, I have to grow closer to God, starting with the quiet time. To all who read this, I wish you a happy and blessed 2016! Until next time.