One of the helpful things the psychologist told me before was that I couldn't seem to ground myself to just one task. My mind would be thinking about too many things at once and I'd be inefficient and stressed, and the stress builds and I go down a downward spiral. While there can be creative benefits when you detaching yourself from a single idea, you don't want to go so far detached from the real world.

Enter Mindfulness. The idea is to observe your surroundings, thoughts, feelings without judging, and without clinging onto any one of them. It is to train your ability to pay attention to things and let go as required. Then you can put your all into whatever you need to do, focus on what works for the situation, think ahead, and plan for the future.

It isn't the first time I've been told this though, I had read scattered bits of such advice online before, and asked Eddie about how to be efficient. He's mentioned about creating specific, quantifiable goals and thinking of the next step that accomplishes said goals. Not wishy-washy, unquantifiable "I'm gonna do this" goals, but measurable "I'll do X by meeting this target, Y by meeting that target" goals.

There's days when I can do that, days when I don't do that for some reason, and there's days when I do that and everything all crashes. Still, the key point is to practice my focus and attention on one thing at a time, and it's my hope that practicing every aspect of mindfulness helps the higher level aspects of thinking ahead and future planning that I desire to achieve. But man, mindfulness can be hard! (At least for me.)

The psychologist does acknowledge that I know a bit more information about psychology than others, mainly through reading up and learning from others as mentioned previously. However, she does point out observations about myself I've not made before, and possible connections between the theory, and who I have become. She said it isn't a bad thing that I know a bit about psychology though, since it helps one learn about oneself better. Previously I thought there wouldn't be any point to seeing a psychologist if the main problem was epilepsy, but…perhaps this is a separate problem that is worth solving, regardless of epilepsy.

2016

It's once again the start of another new year. But before I get out the usual new years wishes and plans, let me be a bit of a downer and get out the concerning things first, things that happened towards the close of the year. 

Basically a few days ago, I was knocked out from Sunday night to Wednesday evening. "Knocked out" as in I have no recollection of events during that period. Apparently there were periods when I was "acting normally" according to my family, and there were random, disconnected moments I remember here and there that are hard to figure out if it really happened or not.

On Wednesday, 3 concerned people came to visit the home, first Aunty Sally, then Eddie, then Uncle Stephen. My mum came with the first visitor and they apparently found me sleeping on the floor of my room. This fact kinda creeps me out, since it's a familiar scenario that had happened to me before back in Sydney. I woke up rather quickly though, and I don't think I suffered from any amnesia like I did in that aforementioned scenario. 

All 5 of us (3 guests, my mum, and I) later had a good gathering around, chatting in the living room. Later on in the evening the rest of my family came back, there was dinner with everyone (minus the uncle and aunt as they had to go off somewhere else), and everything seemed back to normal. But there were feelings constantly bothering me.

I started to feel somewhat sad and worried, that I'd lose things slowly with this whatever "condition" I have, beginning with friends, then familial relationships, then my time and eventually, myself. No doubt, I am grateful I have people who still are concerned, and I understand completely that I cannot be blamed for what I cannot control, but people can't always be around. Losing these things makes me afraid.

Currently the epilepsy medication that I am taking is to blame for my drowsiness. I saw my GP on Tuesday (interestingly, I have slight recollections of it) and he recommended to take half a pill instead of a full pill I've been taking. At the same time, he prescribed me some vitamin supplements to give me energy.

And now, a new year, new beginnings. It is just another daily 24-hour cycle, but I do hope it symbolises a refresh button on my life. I hope to get better and finish my studies, but most importantly, whatever happens, I have to grow closer to God, starting with the quiet time. To all who read this, I wish you a happy and blessed 2016! Until next time.